Ordinary Person

I can’t call him Akash. That’s my brother’s name. He’s a driver, for fuck’s sake! I think I’ll call him Raju. It suits him. A name like that suits any beedi smoking, South Indian loafer who farts after eating chicken or pork. I can picture Rajus in filthy bars, drinking arrack and then going home and beating their wives before getting on top of them. Dirty bastards with oily moustaches and big paunches. And don’t allow him inside the house. Ask him to stay in the garage at all times. Tell him I’ll give him instructions through the maid. He also has to wear white every day. Tell him we can give him 4000 rupees a month. Give him 6000 and he’ll grow a pair of horns. Otherwise, we could give him 20,000 and make him work for 3 years. What do you think? Also, tell him to bathe regularly. A lot of these Rajus are stinky bastards. They eat God knows what and then smell of it. Please tell him he gets 3 days off each year. It’s up to him to choose the days, but he must tell us 2 months in advance. If we give him more leave, he’ll go to his village and won’t come back for 3 months. These Rajus are perverts too. So, tell him I’ll fire him if I catch him staring at me. And can he read? I don’t want him to get confused about where to go. I have a party to attend this Friday, and I don’t want this fucker taking me in circles. And please tell him he can’t chew paan or smoke. I don’t want Lakshmi thinking I’ve hired a beachcomber. Where did you find him, anyway? Please don’t tell me he came looking for a job and you just offered him one. These fellows have shady pasts. I hope you’ve done your research. I don’t want to pay off the police because some idiot ate mutton, got drunk, pissed on the road, and then vandalised some store. I definitely don’t want to deal with some disgusting love affair with the milkman’s daughter. Yes, and tell him he can’t use the servant’s toilet. I don’t want the maid complaining of the stench. Tell him to use a public latrine, but make sure he doesn’t do it during working hours.