I sit on my balcony

tonight smoking,

thinking of all the lives

I’ve led in my lifetime,

all the roles I’ve played,

the cards I’ve drawn —

The naïve young man

who lusted with an unmitigated

possessiveness and rationalised

that it was love. All I wanted

then were her curves

and the taste of her skin.

I made her an object,

an apple I bit into,

but justified it,

saying something pop-philosophical

and clichéd like desire breeds love.

Looking back, it didn’t matter

that she wanted the same thing

because I foolishly gave my

delusions structure,

fitting madness in a box,

and hoping it would stay there,

but one can’t contain

a menacing gargoyle

with its fangs and razor sharp

wings. It eats belief,

gorges on faith, turning

the flawed, starry-eyed Lothario

into a hopeful pessimist,

fist fighting the world

to get them to recognise him,

agree that he’s changed

until the silence he receives

(which is worse than hate)

bites him with its invisible teeth,

its transparent venom flowing

through him, turning him

into a spiritual nihilist,

asking God all the wrong questions

in a vengeful tone, forgetting

that he brought his sorrow

on himself. An unjust

cry without blasphemous

declarations or atheistic

proselytising. He still believes,

but wonders why God is impersonal

and cold. Why? Why! WHY!!

He screams, converting rage into

a puritanical zeal, shoving

aside scruples while simultaneously

caging blasphemy in tiny,

prison cells of anti-thought,

inching towards unbelief

while gripping religion until

it scars his hands.

I became a man

of contradictions with

a soul full

of bleakness and passions

until it broke me,

shattered every dream,

addled my mind

and left me with nothing

to gain or lose,

my truth scattered to the

4 corners of the world,

my conviction a shade of

the ugliest beige,

and escapism my only friend,

a no-role role, a dead man’s dance,

a whatever/anything/something/

nothing/I don’t give a damn

attitude evoking noise rock

or some deranged progressive

stuff beginning in a low hum,

crescendoing before going off

the rails and ending in a snivel.

St..a..tic.. turning into radio hush,

a nonchalant, sayonara

señorita swansong

with me shunning

almost everyone

and going my way.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

9 responses to “anything/something/nothing”

  1. I love the way you write. So raw and beautiful. Wonderful writing. I hope you’re doing okay ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Jennifer ❤️ . I’m glad you liked this. I replied to your latest email an hour ago I think. You must be sleeping now. I’m having my afternoon coffee and wondering what to do this Sunday evening lol. I think I’ll have a drink.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re very welcome ❤️ I just saw your email. I did fall asleep before it came in. I hope you had a wonderful day ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. insert curse word here this was incredible 👏👏👏👏👏👏 Really outstanding writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m humbled and glad you liked it 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Love the image of the gargoyle…so easy to see it and the changes it brings….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I think instability and madness can be like a gargoyle sometimes. On an unrelated note, I’ve often wondered why there are gargoyles on some cathedrals in Europe. I mean they are scary monstrosities. What are they doing on a church of all places?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well that would be an interesting rabbit hole to research!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. And thank you Dawn 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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About Me

Ordinary Person is a guy who likes to write. He writes fiction, essays, poems and other stuff.


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