I’m seeing another psychiatrist

tomorrow to solve

a more than a decade problem

of sleepless nights, anxiety

badly harmonising with my soul’s

music, and depression feeding

on my energy like a leech,

getting fat while I become

emotionally malnourished

and eat and smoke and drink,

hoping pork chops, Marlboro Reds

and wine will become a balm

for the emptiness inside.

I know there’s no cure for

what I have, and it will haunt me

all my life, like it did my father,

and his father before him.

Three generations groping in

the light for glasses to help us

see clearly. Ragtime making my

grandfather walk away and not dance,

Motown addling my father’s mind

with superstitions, engendering

sharp paranoia that Hendrix with

his tongue guitar playing and the

hippies with their free love couldn’t

solve, 90s Alternative sounding

too much like grunge to me,

and Incubus and Evanescence

evoking crazy regret and maladaptive

daydreaming. Three generations

of madmen, struggling for an

identity outside outcast or shameless

or freak or fool. I sent my father

Lost to Apathy by Dark Tranquillity

today and he wept. I’ve never known

a man weeping after

hearing melodeath

growling and twin guitars. He said,

Look at the shell I’ve become,

and I’ve made you a shell, too.

Soon the battle is over!

And couldn’t speak, emotion flooding

him, and so I sent him Unwell

by Matchbox 20, the best anti-stigma

song, and I can only hope he’ll find

his way, but what about me?

Will I ever find what I’m looking for?

Will I kiss her in the moonlight

and tell her I love her and mean it?

Will I feel alive when I see the

sun echoing over the waters,

its orange-red tune

resonating with me

and making me say,

tomorrow’s tomorrow,

but thank you for today.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

9 responses to “Change”

  1. I hope that all goes well tomorrow. There’s nothing like finding a doctor who can really understand your state of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Yeah true, nothing like finding someone who gets you. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hoping all goes well for you, Nitin. I can’t even understand the enormity of what you are going through. Wishing you well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Punam. Here’s hoping things go well. Keeping my fingers crossed.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome and never give up hope.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow. Keeping you in my thoughts ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Jennifer ❤️ I will let you know how things go, my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope you have found one that resonates with you and give you some solutions that work for you. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope so too Dawn. I need a change in the med combo for sure. Here’s hoping she’ll help me. And thank you for your kind wishes ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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About Me

Ordinary Person is a guy who likes to write. He writes fiction, essays, poems and other stuff.


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