When nothing is enough

Trigger warning: This poem, though fictional deals with severe depression, suicide, grief.

I visited you in the hospital

yesterday. You’d survived your

second attempt, much more

gruesome than the first.

People from church

who never asked you

how you were

gathered around you like

a shoal of bream

around a diver.

Praying and holding your hand

while you lay in a coma,

the thoughts that condemned

you, cut you like

switchblades without warning,

hopefully silent.

I stood in a corner, my own

inner voice guilting me,

saying I faux-cared for you,

making me a whitewashed wall

preventing one from seeing

the tombs on the other side.

But what can I do when the

frightening nihilism of authors

like Ligotti and Thacker

saturate someone?

You didn’t read from a distance

or wear ideas on your sleeve

like little scout badges. I did.

Antinatalism, pessimism

and bone-crushing existential

despair — you repeated

these things

to yourself like

a Hail Mary sounded

by a scrupulous person while

they count the beads on a rosary.

What’s the point of all this? 1…

Might as well face

the horror unseen

instead of pretending. 2…

I never asked for life. 3… This is it,

I’m done. 4…

I watched as the prayer warriors

called for miraculous trumpets

to resound, and for you

to find healing

and ‘forsake madness.’

I understand you, but not enough

and this isn’t me suggesting that

my depression is superior.

I just don’t know what to do,

but I know you’ll wake up

apathetic, shrug off your wounds

and find some weird, insouciant

balance/not balance

before everything

gets to you again. Your eyes

suggesting that you’ve drowned

a thousand lifetimes,

but survived,

your mind forcing you to quit,

and even if I held you,

wept and said I needed you,

you’ll smile and make me

believe for a moment that

you’re here with me

within the same dimensions

before drifting off,

the smile staying,

the heart elsewhere.

Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash



10 responses to “When nothing is enough”

  1. Dang, that’s a very emotional and heart wrenching story. I am invested!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Seriously… This writing is 👌 Emotional, raw, realistic. Poetry worth reading 👏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Bree.

      Like

  3. it’s usually, those who are, on the outside looking in, who sees the situation the most clear, while the rest, they just think they see it all, when they are only seeing, what they want to see.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ‘The smile staying, the heart elsewhere’ really got to me… this is a very beautiful piece

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Maren.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re strong. You did great. You’ll do better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This post is fiction, but thanks for the comment.

      Liked by 1 person

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About Me

Ordinary Person is a guy who likes to write. He writes fiction, essays, poems and other stuff.

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