So, to beat the Evil Fairy Queen, you’ll need 53 fortitude, 76 strength, 185 charisma, and 245000 luck. Then you’ll have to roll 21. Any number below it resets the entire game, and any number above it makes you go back to level 2.
What? You think I’m being harsh? How are you going to navigate life if you can’t get past an obstacle in a tabletop game? Look at me. Damn it! Look at me! You think I want this? Playing D&D with a bunch of 16-year-old pansies after flipping burgers all day? I clean toilets, smile at customers, serve them fries, eat only 2 meals a day, and drag my 40-year-old arse here because I believe I can impart words of wisdom through a game I created to the younger generation. So stop being a bunch of whiny snowflakes with teenage angst and roll the damn dice. What? What did you say? It’ll take you years to get the requirements to tackle this boss? Well, then grind for years you bunch of pussies.
I could have had a better life, but I’m here, and I’m going to be here when you’re 20, and you’ll also be here, playing this game I made after college and either you’ll be stuck at level 1 or 2 or you’ll finally tackle the Ashen Demi God who requires 1000000 fortitude, 2000000 willpower, 7000000 constitution, 1000000000 luck and the number 15 rolled 3 times in a row.
Damn! I can’t believe this generation! Now roll, grind and do whatever it takes, damn it! And where’s the weed? I told you to get the damn weed! What? You don’t know how to get it? You’re in high school numbnuts. Find the stoned guy who bunks class and always has a bag of Cheetos on him, and bring me my damn weed.
Photo by Christopher Paul High on Unsplash
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